i entered the church after whiling away from it for the past 2 months. whether i was conscious about it or i was just indifferent to the fact...it matters no more. a sudden surge of irony rang me up. i was quite sure i wasn't there to honor the one above. that wasn't me. as far as i know, i'm my own god now. perhaps, at least my circle of concern is. and i felt neither holiness nor angst when i was locked into the nothingness of being there. a mere accompanying moment with my friend, whom i've lost to cdo for a time. who's now back to criticizing and cursing to hell that shithole town.

we were both silent once we entered the entirety of the building. everyone was either bowing their heads in sincere veneration or shushing their children while the man in a ghastly white gown was raising his arms in his full-scale effort to bring blessings to everyone who believed.

i turned to look at the person beside me. marlon was bowing his head down as well. serene and dedicated as a pair of eyebrows almost meeting each other. and lips murmuring a pack of words as if in a trance.

i couldn't help feeling aghasted. almost nauseous.

there was this man. a homosexual. yet posing as the cleanest and safest man you can ever sleep in bed with. nods and flashes genuine-like smiles to help you out in agreeing with his concepts and beliefs so that you'd feel better about yourself. yet snickers in utmost reality.

how did he have the right to step on holy ground? bow his head and murmur so-called prayers and get away with it?

and you? do you have the right?

and what am i asking this for?

i live day by day. neither believing in Him. nor in me.

i live day by day. and yearn to hoard money for my step-children; and my dependent family, ignored by a restless father who dreams like there's no other day that's
left for him.

and i succeed. i do get the wealth i need... not for myself. but for other people. i leave no time... not any other resource for my family. for i believe this is the only way to transcend yourself. to pay for your troubles and mistakes. to snag yourself a ticket to heaven.

but now, look at me...

i feel like a cursed and sunken whore. overworked. and underpaid.

nevertheless, i go on. i move on. i live on. i breathe on.



but, lo, my friend...look at this.

marlon has always been my savior. he's been my source of words and grace. too powerful... you'd be sent back to earth to live on even though you signed yourself up for hell.

he's an angel. but with a crippled wing. and, thus, curses every angel else in the world. my perfect evil complement.

does this make sense to you?

what am i writing this for?

ah...irony of life...lust...love...angst...indifferenc e...wealth... God.

i walked out of church alive. breathing in. breathing out. same old me. cynical. pathetic. repressed.

but, i love this. i love thinking too much. i love feeling my chest cave in on me and press on my heart until it begins to ache. and i weep...

the only way i can prove to myself that just like every one else's heart...mine's still human.